I spent more than 35 years of my life as an unhappy christian. This religion just never fit me. There was so much hypocrisy and elitism that at times it made me furious and ashamed to think I was one of them. Even after I left the church to get away from christians, I still maintained a belief in the god of christianity. Though in time, that fell to the side as well.

My next move was to try other religions. Anything that wasn’t christianity. But it all smacked of the same elitism I found so appalling in christianity. It wasn’t as if I needed a god to worship at this point, I just wanted to feel like I was part of a group. The old feelings of a church family were difficulty to lose.

In fact, I no longer believed in a god at all. After months of frustration and trying to create something positive out of a system I never truly liked in the first place – I finally decided it was time to do nothing. Years have come and gone since. In this time, I have been nothing in regards to a religious or non-religious stance. I needed this time to put space between me and my previous life as a christian.

I have been a declared agnostic for about a year or so now. However, the only ones who know about my agnostic views are my immediate family (husband and children). My husband is a closet atheist, which makes home life pretty simple. The problem is that all of our extended family (his side and mine) are devout christians. All of the friends we’ve made through the years are christians, too.

When I go on Facebook, there’s not a day when at least one of my many friends or family members are not praising their god or quoting scripture. I try to be understanding, but deep down I know my resentment is in great part to the fact that I want to be just as open about my non-religious view as they are with their religious views.

I do not want to cut ties with my family and friends, but I know that if they knew how I really felt about their religion they would de-friend me on Facebook and in real life. On the other hand, I am ready to get on with my life after wasting so many years in religion. I want to be me – the whole me – including the humanistic agnostic I have become.

My hubby fears for his business connections and we both contemplate the reaction of his sweet mother who loves us both so much. In our little sphere of connections, coming out as non-believers is like saying we are aliens from another planet. No, it’s worse. Yet I sit and dream of the day when I can tell the world – face to face – that I do not believe any god exists or has ever existed.